The List of Values
The ZenParental.com List of Values is your ultimate guide to the principles of mindful, “zen” parenting.This prototype of an interactive database features a curated collection of values that embody the ZenParental philosophy (compared with the thinking of previous generations), empowering parents to raise thoughtful, resilient, and compassionate children.
| Topic | Subject | Before Today | After Today | More |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Development | Correction | Punish mistakes harshly so children learn not to repeat them. | View mistakes as opportunities for learning, guiding children to reflect and problem-solve in constructive ways. | |
| Development | Emotions | Children should “toughen up” and avoid crying or showing “weakness.” | Validate and support your child’s emotions, helping them understand and regulate their feelings in a healthy manner. | |
| Development | Independence | Children should follow strict schedules and rules to avoid becoming lazy. | Support autonomy by offering choices, encouraging initiative, and allowing room for self-directed growth. | |
| Development | Etiquette | Children should be scolded or shamed for bad table manners to avoid embarrassment. | Encourage good manners by demonstrating them, explaining their importance, and practicing as a family in a positive way. | |
| Education | Creativity | Creative pursuits are less important than academics and traditional skills. | Nurture creativity by providing opportunities for exploration, play, and self-expression without judgment. | |
| Development | Community | Children should be forced to volunteer so they learn discipline and responsibility. | Model the joy and value of giving back, inviting children to participate in meaningful activities that resonate with them. | |
| Development | Self-Confidence | If you don’t tease your kids from time to time, they’ll grow up thin-skinned. | Your children will experience teasing outside the home; you should be their advocate and coach for handling ridicule. | |
| Family Life | Communication | “Because I said so” is enough of a rationale; questioning authority shows disrespect. | Encourage open dialogue, explain reasoning, and allow space for respectful questions to build trust and understanding. | |
| Development | Discipline | Spanking teaches respect and ensures they learn from their mistakes. | Respect is earned by modeling calm, clear boundaries and teaching accountability through natural consequences. | |
| Development | Patience | Children must learn patience through strict rules and waiting without explanation. | Model patience by demonstrating understanding and explaining the value of waiting or taking turns. | |
| Development | Humility | Children should be humbled through criticism and comparison. | Teach humility by modeling gratitude, self-awareness, and collaboration. | |
| Education | Environmental Care | Environmental awareness isn’t relevant for young children. | Teach children to respect and care for the environment through hands-on activities and discussions about sustainability. | |
| Diversity | Cultural Differences | Focus on similarities rather than discussing differences. | Celebrate diversity by discussing and appreciating the unique qualities of others. | |
| Development | Forgiveness | Forgiveness means letting someone off the hook. | Teach forgiveness as a way to heal and move forward while maintaining boundaries and self-respect. | |
| Education | Time Management | Adults should dictate how children spend their time. | Teach children how to prioritize and manage their time effectively while allowing space for independence. | |
| Family Life | Parenting Style | Being strict shows you care. | Being supportive and understanding fosters trust and emotional security. | |
| Development | Technology Use | Screen time should be completely restricted. | Teach healthy and mindful use of technology while setting age-appropriate boundaries. | |
| Family Life | Listening | Children should be seen and not heard. | Value children’s voices, actively listen to their thoughts and feelings, and validate their perspectives. | |
| Family Life | Fairness | Life isn’t fair, so don’t expect fairness in parenting. | Model fairness by treating children equitably and teaching them to value justice in relationships and society. | |
| Education | Ambition | Children must focus on high achievements to secure a successful future. | Encourage children to pursue their passions and define success on their own terms. | |
| Family Life | Grief | Shield children from grief to protect them. | Allow children to experience and process grief with support, teaching them resilience and coping skills. | |
| Development | Kindness | Kindness is a sign of weakness in a competitive world. | Teach and model kindness as a strength that builds meaningful relationships and a positive community. | |
| Finance | Money Management | Children should only handle money when they’re older. | Introduce financial literacy early by teaching saving, spending, and giving responsibly. | |
| Development | Physical Activity | Exercise is a punishment for bad behavior. | Encourage physical activity as a fun and healthy way to nurture the body and mind. | |
| Family Life | Siblings | Let siblings “work it out” when they fight. | Guide siblings in resolving conflicts respectfully and building supportive relationships. | |
| Development | Responsibility | Responsibility means doing what you’re told without question. | Teach responsibility by encouraging accountability, problem-solving, and initiative. | |
| Family Life | Respect for Elders | Children must respect adults simply because they’re older. | Teach mutual respect by modeling it, regardless of age or authority. | |
| Development | Perfectionism | Children should always strive for perfection. | Celebrate effort and progress, teaching children that mistakes are part of learning and growth. | |
| Development | Risk-Taking | Children should avoid risks to stay safe. | Encourage healthy risk-taking to build resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills. | |
| Development | Altruism | Children should sacrifice their own needs to help others. | Teach children to balance caring for others with self-care and boundaries. | |
| Family Life | Parenting Identity | Parents must always appear in control and infallible. | Show vulnerability and admit mistakes to model growth and authenticity. | |
| Family Life | Holiday Traditions | Stick rigidly to family traditions, regardless of children’s preferences. | Include children in creating new traditions that resonate with your family’s evolving values. | |
| Development | Stress Management | Hide stress from children to avoid burdening them. | Model healthy stress management techniques, showing children how to cope effectively. | |
| Family Life | Celebrations | Birthdays and achievements must be big, elaborate affairs. | Focus on meaningful, personal celebrations that align with your child’s unique interests and values. | |
| Diversity | Spirituality | Children must follow their parents’ religious beliefs without question. | Allow children to explore and form their own beliefs, guiding them with openness and curiosity. | |
| Family Life | Conflict Resolution | Teach children to always “win” or assert dominance in conflicts. | Model peaceful conflict resolution by emphasizing empathy, compromise, and effective communication. | |
| Development | Self-Care | Sacrificing your well-being for your children shows dedication and love. | Caring for yourself teaches children the importance of prioritizing mental and physical health as a foundation for thriving. | |
| Development | Gender | Boys should be tough, and girls should be nurturing; stick to traditional roles. | Celebrate individuality and empower children to explore their identities free from stereotypes or societal expectations. | |
| Family Life | Parent-Child Roles | Children should obey without question; parents are the ultimate authority. | Foster mutual respect by involving children in decision-making and teaching critical thinking alongside setting boundaries. | |
| Development | Accountability | Shame and guilt are necessary to teach responsibility. | Guide children to understand the impact of their actions and take responsibility with support and empathy. | |
| Education | Curiosity | Children should not question adults too much—it’s disrespectful. | Foster curiosity by encouraging questions and exploration to help children understand the world. | |
| Development | Boundaries | Parents’ rules are final, no need to explain them. | Set clear boundaries with explanations, teaching children why they are important and how to respect them. | |
| Development | Physical Discipline | A quick spanking won’t harm a child—it teaches them consequences. | Non-violent discipline methods foster respect and teach problem-solving without fear. | |
| Education | Education | Academic success is all that matters. | Balance academics with social, emotional, and creative growth to develop a well-rounded child. | |
| Development | Sharing | Force children to share to teach generosity. | Teach the value of sharing by modeling it and helping children understand others’ perspectives and needs. | |
| Education | Playtime | Play is less important than work or structured learning. | Play is essential for creativity, problem-solving, and emotional well-being. | |
| Development | Chores | Children must do chores without question to learn discipline. | Frame chores as contributions to the family, teaching teamwork and responsibility in a positive way. | |
| Development | Emotions | Boys shouldn’t cry, and girls shouldn’t get angry. | All emotions are valid; teach children how to express and manage them in healthy ways. | |
| Development | Friendships | Let kids “figure it out” when conflicts arise in friendships. | Guide children in developing healthy, respectful friendships and conflict resolution skills. | |
| Development | Honesty | Punish lying harshly to instill honesty. | Create a safe space for honesty by responding calmly and teaching the value of truthfulness. | |
| Development | Gratitude | Children must always say “thank you,” even if forced. | Model and teach genuine gratitude by showing appreciation and discussing its importance in everyday life. | |
| Family Life | Bedtime | Bedtime rules should be enforced strictly, with no exceptions. | Create consistent bedtime routines while remaining flexible to individual needs and emotional states. | |
| Development | Competition | Winning is everything; losing means you didn’t try hard enough. | Encourage effort, teamwork, and learning from losses rather than focusing solely on winning. | |
| Family Life | Privacy | Children shouldn’t expect privacy from their parents. | Respect children’s need for privacy to build trust and teach boundaries. | |
| Development | Apologies | Force children to say “sorry” even if they don’t mean it. | Teach the importance of meaningful apologies by helping children understand their actions and make amends sincerely. | |
| Health | Nutrition | Children should eat what’s given, no exceptions. | Involve children in meal choices and teach them about balanced nutrition in an empowering way. | |
| Development | Hobbies | Hobbies should be practical or tied to future success. | Support hobbies that bring joy and fulfillment, regardless of perceived utility. | |
| Family Life | Decision-Making | Parents make all the decisions for their children. | Involve children in age-appropriate decision-making to build confidence and critical thinking skills. | |
| Diversity | Cultural Awareness | Focus on your own culture; children don’t need to learn about others. | Teach children about diverse cultures to foster empathy, respect, and global understanding. | |
| Diversity | Gender Expression | Children must conform to traditional gender norms. | Support children’s authentic self-expression, free from societal or cultural expectations. | |
| Development | Punishment | Punishment must be severe to deter bad behavior. | Use discipline as a teaching tool, focusing on repairing harm and learning from mistakes. |
From fostering table manners to encouraging self-care and volunteering, each value is thoughtfully paired with its counter-values or outdated approaches, illustrating the shift from punitive or outdated practices to ones rooted in kindness, clarity, and understanding.
With LOV’s intuitive filters and keyword search, you can explore and organize values by topics like communication, emotional growth, or daily habits. Designed with input from the ZenParental.com community and contributors, LOV is a living resource, evolving with insights from real parents and experts. Discover how to align your parenting choices with modern, mindful principles and build a more intentional, connected family life.
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