The Art of Getting Along with Relatives During the Holidays

Getting along with relatives during the holidays begins with setting the stage for harmony. (To start, be sure to see our post with tips on keeping calm during the holidays).

Pre-Holiday Huddle

Before the guests arrive, hold a family meeting to discuss expectations and strategies for maintaining peace. Talk openly about challenges that might arise, such as house rules, chores, or navigating strong personalities.

“Clear expectations reduce misunderstandings and keep the focus on connection rather than conflict.” – Dr. Laura Markham, family therapist

When everyone is on the same page, it’s easier to avoid family fights and stay united as a team: having fun with everyone visiting, getting along with your family and in-laws and distant relatives, is usually what everyone has in common when they get together.

Focus on each family members positives and strengths when engaging with them. Involve them based on who they are or aspire to be. For example, assign tasks like meal prep or tidying up based on each family member’s strengths.

For example, as we’ve recently posted here, you can avoid Thanksgiving stress with mindful planning.

Knowing your family is prepared creates a foundation of calm that carries through gatherings like Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah.

Space The Final Frontier

To avoid family drama during holiday gatherings, provide everyone with personal space. Even the happiest homes can feel crowded when relatives are staying for extended visits. Offer guests a designated area, whether it’s a private guest room or a cozy corner where they can retreat.

Counselor David Code emphasizes, “Having space to step away reduces emotional tension and gives everyone a chance to recharge.” Similarly, encourage your own family to take breaks when socializing becomes overwhelming. Respect for personal boundaries fosters a sense of peace that benefits everyone, whether you’re celebrating Hanukkah candle-lighting or unwrapping gifts on Christmas morning.

Schedule Some Me Time

Overscheduling during the holidays can lead to unnecessary stress and friction. Instead, build downtime into your schedule for relaxation and reflection.

“Rest allows emotions to settle, helping family members interact more positively.” – Janet Lansbury, parenting expert

Plan quiet mornings with your immediate family or leave free time in the evenings for personal pursuits. This balance helps you avoid projecting your own stress onto your children or letting holiday anxieties creep into your interactions with others. Prioritizing your family’s needs first ensures the season remains meaningful for those closest to you.

Avoiding Political or Critical Triggers

Few topics ignite family drama faster than politics or unwelcome criticisms. Getting along with relatives during the holidays means picking and choosing your battles, not falling for traps or taking the bait. (Also see our recent posts on how to discuss the election and politics in general and subjects such as news about tariffs).

If a relative makes a belittling comment or brings up divisive subjects during dinner, take a deep breath and choose not to engage emotionally.

“You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.” – Dr. Harriet Lerner, relationship therapist

Instead, redirect the conversation to neutral topics or excuse yourself briefly to regain composure. Practice empathy—your relative’s behavior may reflect their own struggles rather than a personal attack. Protect your peace and model calm responses for your children, showing them how to handle conflict with grace.

Avoid Transferring Stress to Children

It’s easy to let holiday stress affect your parenting, but it’s crucial to keep your children’s needs and wants at the forefront. If you feel frustrated or overwhelmed by a relative, take a moment to process your emotions privately rather than projecting them onto your children.

Family counselor Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “Children thrive when their emotional environment feels safe and predictable.” Instead of venting frustrations about an in-law’s criticism or a sibling’s antics, focus on creating joy and stability for your kids. Let them enjoy the magic of Christmas, Hanukkah, or Thanksgiving without absorbing adult tensions.

Embrace Flexibility

Plans don’t always unfold perfectly during the holidays. Flights get delayed, dishes get burned, and last-minute guests may appear. Staying flexible helps you avoid family fights and turn potential stressors into moments of connection.

“Flexibility allows families to pivot and find joy in the unexpected.” – Carl Pickhardt, psychologist

Keep your expectations realistic, and remind yourself that the goal isn’t perfection but togetherness. A sense of humor can go a long way in defusing tense moments and ensuring the celebration remains enjoyable.

Communicate Openly

Honest and kind communication is the cornerstone of avoiding family drama. Create a safe environment where loved ones feel comfortable expressing their needs or concerns without fear of judgment. If someone’s feelings are hurt or a misunderstanding arises, address it calmly and directly.

Dr. Brené Brown reminds us, “Clear communication is a form of kindness.” When family members feel heard and valued, tensions are less likely to escalate into larger conflicts.

Respect Boundaries

Getting along with relatives during the holidays often means respecting personal boundaries. Not everyone enjoys the same level of socializing or shares the same preferences for activities. Whether a relative wants quiet time after dinner or prefers to avoid certain conversations, honoring their boundaries demonstrates care and consideration.

“Boundaries create space for respect and connection to coexist.” – Nedra Tawwab, family therapist

By respecting limits, you pave the way for a more peaceful and harmonious holiday season.

Find Common Ground

One of the best ways to avoid family drama is by focusing on shared activities. Plan experiences that everyone can enjoy, such as a group walk after Thanksgiving dinner, playing games during Hanukkah, or a movie night on Christmas Eve.

Child development expert Dr. William Sears notes, “Shared activities strengthen family bonds and create positive memories that outlast conflicts.” Involving everyone in these decisions also ensures they feel included and valued.

Delegate and Conquer

No one person should bear the full weight of holiday responsibilities. Whether it’s cooking, decorating, or cleaning, divide tasks among family members to lighten the load. Dr. Lisa Damour reminds us, “Collaboration fosters connection and reduces resentment.”

Allow children to take part in age-appropriate tasks, like setting the table or choosing decorations. This not only teaches teamwork but also creates a sense of pride and contribution in the celebration.

Focus on Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful antidote to holiday stress and family tensions. Begin each day with a reflection on what you’re thankful for, and encourage your family to do the same.

Psychologist Dr. Robert Emmons explains, “Gratitude shifts focus from problems to blessings, fostering resilience and positivity.”

Whether you’re savoring Thanksgiving’s bounty, enjoying the glow of a Hanukkah menorah, or exchanging gifts on Christmas morning, taking time to appreciate these moments keeps the spirit of the season alive (and support getting along with your relatives during the holidays).

Remember the True Meaning

Holidays are ultimately about connection, love, and joy — especially when you explain holidays to kids. Let go of perfectionism and focus on the meaningful traditions that bring your family together. As family therapist Virginia Satir wisely stated, “The greatest gift you can give your family is your own emotional well-being.”

By prioritizing mindfulness and staying present, you can avoid family drama and create a tranquil, fulfilling holiday experience for everyone. Let this season be one of peace, gratitude, and cherished memories.

More Resources

• 5 Ways to Survive Your Next Family Gathering – Oprah.com
• Coping with Family Dynamics During the Holidays – Dr. Claire
• 14 Ways People With Weird Family Dynamics Make the Holidays Less Awful – WonderMind

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FAQ

Why do we have to spend time with relatives I don’t know or don’t like?

Spending time with relatives, even those you don’t know well or may not get along with, is part of building family connections. It helps us learn about where we come from and sometimes gives us a chance to understand people who are different from us. If someone’s behavior bothers you, let us know so we can talk about it and find ways to make you more comfortable. Remember, you can always take breaks to do something you enjoy during the gathering.

What if I feel nervous or upset during a family gathering?

It’s okay to feel nervous or upset when things feel overwhelming. If this happens, come to us and let us know how you’re feeling. You can also take some quiet time to yourself—bring a book, a toy, or headphones to help you relax. Remember, your feelings are valid, and we’re here to support you. Holidays can be busy, but they’re also a time to practice patience and kindness with ourselves and others.

Why can’t I do what I want instead of following family rules during the holidays?

Family rules help make sure everyone feels respected and included, especially when so many people are together. It’s important to find a balance between doing what you enjoy and helping the group get along. For example, sharing chores or joining group activities can show you care about others. We’ll make sure there’s also time for you to do the things that make you happy. If something feels unfair, let us know—we can talk and work it out together.